WTF? Wednesday: Be Careful of What You Ask—Or Violently Demand

March 25, 2010

Anyone who’s ever attended a public university is well aware of the plethora of students who maintain the attitude of “I paid to be here so I can do whatever I want,” and in this particular young woman I think they may have found their champion.

Reportedly, after a dispute over the wording on a test, the young woman–a 24-year old adult student at the University of Wisconsin (Milwaukee)–voiced her rather rude and antagonistic disagreement with the professor’s instruction that the problem be discussed in her office after class, aka in a reasonable and mature fashion.

What follows is an event that would surely have gone down as one of Chapelle’s Show’s Great Moments in Keeping It Real.

The end of the video is considerably blurry and doesn’t leave a clear vantage point to determine if the young woman was causing such a level of resistance (despite her very loud and aggressive vocal disagreements) that four armed guards were necessary to subdue and remove her.

But really, when you lay down the ground rules as “I ain’t going no fucking where, ya’ll gonna have to carry me out of this motherfucker,” how surprised can you reasonable be if the four security guards at whom you shouted your instructions end up, you know, carrying you out of the motherfucker?

I don’t normally side with police as I tend to think (especially in campus situations) they’re ill-tempered discontents itching for a free power-trip ticket, but in this case I’ve got to agree with the Bacon Boys.

If the woman says “ya’ll motherfuckers” are going to have to carry her “out of that motherfucker” (which in and of itself is a bit confusing as I’m not sure how the same thing you wished to be carried away from can be that which does the carrying) then it would appear you’ are more or less obliged to “carry her out of that motherfucker”.

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WTF? Wednesday

March 10, 2010

Corey Haim, Dead at 38

Corey Haim, former 80’s film star of Lucas and The Lost Boys (The F-in Lost Boys!) has died.

TMZ is reporting a prescription medication overdose.

Shocking I know.

Considering that Haim was both a child star and reality-tv star I suppose it’s quite an accomplishment this didn’t happen sooner. Still, this was not what I expected when I ran down my blog and site lists this morning. In other news, we are all getting older and will die sometime as well.

Most likely however, TMZ will remain unaware.

Aren’t Police States Just the Cutest Thing You’ve Ever Seen?

March 4, 2010

You would think that with all the craziness running rampant in the world today that WTF Wednesday would be the easiest thing to write.

With corrupt politicians, air-head celebrities and just the entire city of Vinton you would think one would never be at a loss for “WTF” moments. And yet, there I was–eight o’clock at night–scouring the Internet and the American mess for a topic worthy of The Opposition’s Wednesday feature.

Then–as I have been so many times–I found myself indebted to the generosity of television. It seems Cisco Systems wants us to believe that so long as a little bit of quirk is involved government surveillance is just super.

Aw. Well gee-golly shucks!

America’s little indie-sweetheart, Ellen Page, got a ticket for illegally parking her itty-bitty vintage MG coupe. But don’t worry, because thanks to the ever-watchful, eh–helpful–eye of Big Brother Ellen shows us that increased government security is just a cue for a moment of wit and whimsy.

And if Page and the rest of the Giddy Gestapo weren’t infuriating enough, the commercial subjects the viewer to the most patronizing voice-over since whatever Ryan Seacrest has done recently.

The New Community. Sort of how the gulags were the New Assembly Line.

See It. Share It. Live It.

Given that Cisco is responsible for the majority of security and information software networks in America, it doesn’t seem like we’ll have much of a choice but to see it, share it and live it.

Then again, there’s always Option B.

WTF?

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Twitter Tuesday

March 3, 2010

This is the first installment of The Opposition’s Tuesday feature, Twitter Tuesday.

Starting today–and every Tuesday after–The Opposition will compile a Top-10 List of Twitter’s most interesting, bizarre, humorous and informative posts for that day.

Beneath the posts you can find a bit of commentary as well.

Should The Opposition be unable to find 10 posts that fit the ascribed categories, posts will be falsified and libel suits courted.


10) NPR:Naomi Campbell Allegedly Assaults Limo Driver, Flees Car.                 http://su.pr/2fquiC

Because I know every time I’ve ever “not” assaulted someone the first thing I think of doing is running away from my limo in mid-day traffic.

9) Breaking News: Searchers find a body in the San Diego park where teen Chelsea King disappeared while jogging last Thursdayhttp://bit.ly/bPPhOd

Any word yet on the scores of foreign teenagers and children exploited as human traffic? No, not yet? Yeah, didn’t think so.

8) Breaking News: Mass. Senate passes ban on texting while driving, OKs testing for elderly drivers http://bit.ly/dCA54y

Because when you’re no longer sure as to where the actual road is, it’s probably time for you to learn the finer points of your city’s public transit offerings.

7) Reason Magazine: A Majority for Incorporation of the Second Amendmenthttp://ow.ly/1doxM

I can’t tell you how many times I go in public thinking, “You know what’s missing here? More guns.” I can’t tell you how many times I think that because I never do think it.

6) Drudge Report: Economists Warn Another Financial Crisis On the Way… http://drudge.tw/cKHDdJ

Because you can never get too much of a bad thing. I miss the days when all Drudge talked about was cigars and dress stains. Oh, nostalgia… Thou art a most wicked mistress.

5) NYT: Viacom Will Take ‘Daily Show,’ ‘Colbert’ Off Hulu. http://nyti.ms/dlLH1Y

Good thing too. If there is one thing the younger audiences for both shows hate it’s free and accessible internet content. Wait…

4) Slate: Chef Daniel Angerer makes breast milk cheese. It is not bad, he says. http://bit.ly/92BAo2

He also sleeps next to a butcher knife and says his dead mother is the world’s most beautiful woman.

3) Daily Kos: AR-Sen: Punch the hippies, bring out the politicians!http://bit.ly/9z9FJP

I have no idea what this is about, but I cannot resist  a statement that begins with “Punch the hippies.” Someone should set that up as a game at Contraband Days.

2) Roll Call: Property casualty insurance company coalition to Sen. Banking Chair @chrisdodd : Keep Us Out of Financial Reformhttp://bit.ly/9ckbF2

Heaven forbid that insurance companies have to actually, you know, “insure” your property. How are they supposed to make any money doing that?

1) House Floor: recognizing Louisiana State University for 150 years of service and excellence in higher education 6:31 P.M. http://bit.ly/HFloor

No word yet on whether or not the actual state of Louisiana has anything to do with this.



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Shaken and Stirred

February 27, 2010

chile earthquake radius

By now most everyone in the Western hemisphere has awakened to the news of an 8.8 earthquake in Chile.

In addition to the immediate damage throughout Chile, the U.S. Geological survey has also issued a Tsunami warning for the entire Pacific coastline.

CNN marks the current death toll at 122 and climbing and “end of the world” chatter is already starting to spring up on the Yahoo comment boards.

But the real question on everyone’s mind is, “What will Pat Robertson say?”.

Pat Robertson, the Sage of Stupidity, the Oracle of Oafery, Prognosticator of Pomposity is no doubt at this very second poring over every inch of the Good Book (naturally skipping over all those parts about loving thy neighbor not to mention advisement against lining your pockets by inciting eternal fear into the hearts of your congregation) in an effort to deduce the true will of the Almighty as it pertains to the destruction in Chile.

So, my question to you is which of these things will Pat Robertson blame for the Chilean earthquake? Now keep in mind, Robertson has handed (straight from his own ass naturally) culpability in past national and global calamities to all successive groups and actions.

What is your money on this time?

What will Pat Robertson blame for the earhquake in Chile?
(polls)

Or will Pat surprise us this time with an entirely new display of untethered ignorance that his past shenanigans will seem but a muted, faint whisper of foolishness in comparison?

People are dying out there Pat! And only a greedy, lying, manipulative S.O.B who cherry-picks an ancient religious text altered by centuries of imperial, papal and countless cultural forces can tell us why all of this (this being the natural behavior of Earth’s shifting tectonic plates) is really happening.

Don’t let me down Pat. Don’t let me down.

F-in A! Friday

February 27, 2010

Continuing the tri-weekly theme feature here at The Opposition is today’s very first edition of F-in A! Friday. So you stories that restore your hope for humanity, or at the least make you say F-in A!

We Are All Jetsons Now


New Zealand aero-engineering firm Martin has announced they will go ahead with plans to produce, market and sell commercial jet packs.

Let me say that again…

WE’RE GETTING JETPACKS, PEOPLE!

Sources close to me (okay, really just me) say the most awesome invention ever contains a 200-horsepower engine and is capable of reaching speeds of up to 60 miles per hour and ascending to an estimate 2,400 yards. And while it may appear a bit on the bulky side, the Martin jet pack weighs in at a relatively slim 253 lbs.

While a pilot’s license is not required to operate the jet pack, Martin intends to limit their production to around 500 a year and restrict their primary sales to emergency workers and first responders.

No comment yet from Elroy Jetson on whether he plans to endorse the project though Astro was reportedly very enthused, saying he “Roved” everything about the Martin jet pack.

These Bones Throw Themselves

While perhaps not as mind-blowing as a jet pack, Today’s Big Thing has further evidence that mankind is slowly but surely conquering the very laws of physics that govern all life and matter as we know it.

Okay, so maybe self-correcting dominoes aren’t quite that groundbreaking but they’re a surefire trick to hold the attention of any hyper-active child, rambunctious pet or drunken, couch-surfing mooch occupied for hours.

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WTF Wednesdays

February 25, 2010

As part of  a new feature, The Opposition will begin posting theme articles three times a week.

Twitter Tuesdays will highlight interesting, absurd and/or interestingly absurd (and absurdly interesting) items from the world of Twitterdom.

WTF? Wednesdays will shine a light on stories, pictures and whatever else I come across that merits one and only one reaction, “WTF?”.

Closing out the work/school week will be F’in-A! Fridays; a highlight of stories and events that will hopefully serve to redeem your faith in humanity as you prepare for your weekend warrior festivities.

Those Aren’t Love Handles, They’re My Body-Armor

AP Photo/Vernon Ogrodnek

In what will surely (and by ‘surely’ I mean never) mean a deathblow to America’s health and exercise industry, a Florida woman credits an over-baked muffin-top with saving her life from gunshot wound.

35-year old Samantha Lynn Frazier was an innocent by-stander to an exchange of gunfire at Herman’s Place, an Atlantic City bar last Saturday night.

After hearing two “pops” Frazier said she felt a pain on her left side and, after grabbing the affected area, removed her hands to find them covered in blood.

After being treated for her wounds at a nearby hospital Lynn Frazier said, “I could have been dead. They (police, doctors) said my love handles saved my life.”

Frazier added she had been “hollering” about wanting to lose weight, but now said “I want to be as big as I can if it’s going to stop a bullet.”

When asked for comment in the not-to-distant future about Frazier’s planned “protective weight gain”, Coronary Heart Disease said, “Yeah, you go ahead and get as big as you like fatty… As big as you like.”

Octomom Says She Would Like One More Child to Neglect

Mitchell/FilmMagic


Fame whore, plastic surgery junkie and leading candidate for ‘Worst Mother in the World… Ever” Nadya Suleman, told The View on Wednesday that she would consider having another child if she were to get married.

For those of you with lives (not to mention moral outrage), Suleman figuratively birthed the ultimate example of co-dependency in January 2009 when she gave literal birth to a set of octuplets after undergoing fertility treatments the previous year.

The eight newborns were in addition to her six older children. As if the small-business sized staff litter weren’t enough to attract attention for Suleman, the fact that she was unemployed and living with her mother at the time of the octuplet fiasco only earned her a greater amount of *endearment from the viewing public.

(*See: unbridled hatred and scorn.)

Suleman– who is currently still on public assistance and pursuing a book deal detailing the perks of ‘earning’ a super-villain moniker and living life as a disgusting, wretched excuse for a human being– said she now wants to get married one day and have a baby with who sources close to Fate’s Cruel Hand say will be the unluckiest person to ever walk the Earth.

Because I think I speak for all men when I say what I’m looking for in a woman is a person who hates herself so much she cut her face up to look like a bizarro world version of Angelina Jolie. Then pumped herself full of drugs to pop out a rec-league basketball starting lineup whose names she can’t remember to get a bigger welfare check and feel loved.

Well, either that or someone attractive with whom I share common interests and goals.

One of the two. I’m not really sure.

But boy is it close!

*****

And finally, courtesy of Lake Charles contributor to The Opposition Justin Johnson, we finally find out what Suddenlink operators are really doing when they put us on hold for hours at a time…

Submitted by Justin Johnson

Think about this the next time your $100/month HD channels go out.


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Anyone Up For Another War? You Betcha’.

February 23, 2010

Let there be no doubt that Sarah Palin is an unabashed, gleeful and unnervingly cheery war monger.

During her interview with Chris Wallace on FOX News Sunday, the following interchange occurred. In the interest of being fair and balanced, I have pasted the transcript from Fox News so you can read the full context of her statement.

WALLACE: I know that three years is an eternity in politics. But how hard do you think President Obama will be to defeat in 2012?

PALIN: It depends on a few things. Say he played — and I got this from (Pat) Buchanan, reading one of his columns the other day. Say he played the war card. Say he decided to declare war on Iran or decided really come out and do whatever he could to support Israel, which I would like him to do. (Italics added).

But that changes the dynamics in what we can assume is going to happen between now and three years, because I think if the election were today I do not think Obama would be re-elected. But three years from now, things could change if — on the national security front.

WALLACE: Are you — but you’re not suggesting that he would cynically play the war card…

PALIN: I’m not suggesting that. I’m saying if he did, things would dramatically change. If he decided to toughen up and do all that he can to secure our nation and our allies, I think people would perhaps shift their thinking a little bit and decide, “Well, maybe he’s tougher than we think he’s — than he is today,” and there wouldn’t be as much passion to make sure that he doesn’t serve another four years.

Just in case you  missed it, Sarah Palin—former governor, vice-presidential candidate and possible future presidential candidate–thinks it would be politically advantageous for President Obama (and presumably any president) to invade Iran. Not to repel a direct threat but simply to convince people that he is “tough”. Basically advocating that Obama use the power of the American military to play bully to the rest of the world so that he can improve the “toughness” of his image.

Ms. Palin thinks it would be beneficial for an already stretched-too-thin military to be extended further for the purposes of global street-cred against a country with no proven logistical ties to any terrorist organization that threatens or has attacked the United States in any way (excluding the 1979 hostage crisis).

Iran, a country with no immediate conventional means to attack the United States.

Iran, a country with the second largest natural gas and oil reserves in the world.

That Iran.

Make no mistake that I hold any rosy views of Iran’s current political regime. They are a theo-fascist regime that will soon be utilizing enriched nuclear material and will no doubt then pursue the means to weaponize the technology to threaten its neighbors in the Gulf region.

It can also be reasonably assumed that the real threat incurred from Iran’s proximity to successfully implementing weaponized nuclear capability would be the transfer of that capability to Al-Qaeda operatives or any other number of connected or isolated terrorist cells. Such individuals or groups could then utilize the nuclear material in the detonation of a suitcase-sized dirty bomb in any number of Western metropolitan cities.

I have no allusions about the danger posed by the Iranian regime.

But I also have no lack of allusions regarding the regime’s dwindling legitimacy with its own people as its true totalitarian intent and will is being flexed by an ever-tightening grip in response to the burgeoning democratic opposition. An opposition that would be sure to rally around the regime in a concerted nationalistic effort to drive out the United States as every historical utterance of “The Great Satan” comes to fruition with each consecutive bombing campaign.

I cannot believe the United States–a country that successfully contained and thwarted the imperial and nuclear ambitions of the Soviet Union for 50+ years–is best served by marching throughout the globe in a state of constant war against any and all perceived threats as if each could simply be resolved with one more bullet (and even more bodies).

Nor can I make any sense of Ms. Palin’s foreign policy support from conservative champions– those who rail against the ballooning budget deficits and projected costs of current health reform proposals–considering the financial commitment necessary to carry out war and regime change in Iran.

And thanks to the most recent examples of Republican military adventurism, we now have examples–in Iraq and Afghanistan–of the real costs of sustained military commitment. Via costofwar.com, the estimated total cost of the two theaters is $936.8 billion dollars. Additionally, the Federation of American Scientists released a Sept. 2009 estimate that placed the cost closer to $1.4 trillion.

On a related note, I am convinced nothing good will ever happen in September ever again.

Certain to add to the astronomical ‘down payment’ of a military invasion of Iran, is the presumed economic severity of elevated oil prices. Consider this: After the United States’ 2003 invasion of Iraq the price of a barrel of crude oil rose from around $30 to an all-time high nearing $140. Now consider that Iraq was only the world’s 14th largest crude oil producer.

Now consider that Iran is the world’s 4th largest.

Not to mention a member of OPEC, sure to receive support in the form of an oil embargo against the U.S..

Let me reiterate, I do not mean to suggest Iran does not pose a threat to the U.S. and its interests. But I cannot see any value in a leader who approaches entering a foreign military encounter– at a cost of unknown trillions of dollars (and possibly causing 2/3 of the world’s oil supply to be used as history’s largest ransom note)–with the glib arrogance Ms. Palin approaches it.   As if it could be as simple as delivering a knockout punch to a drunken oaf in a bar room brawl.

During the 2008 presidential election Ms. Palin famously (or perhaps infamously) told ABC’s Charlie Gibson she possessed relevant foreign policy expertise on Russia because she could “see it from her house”.

I worry about what Ms. Palin is convinced she is certain of now that she sees the fire of yet another pre-emptive war glowing in her star-spangled eyes.

 

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Beasts of Burden

February 22, 2010

“The horror! The horror!” —Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness

The theme of suppressed savagery lurking just beneath the calm exteriors of everyday people and situations is a common one throughout art history.

And in the case of Sci-Fi, Horror and comic books the metaphor often gets taken to its rational (and sometimes, irrational) conclusion.

Below, in the order in which I thought of them, is a quick checklist of memorable characters who no one likes when they’re angry.

The Wolfman

So you awaken one morning to find yourself covered in blood, itching from head to toe and stricken helpless to the allure of moonlight. Either you’ve just realized you’re suffering from major drug withdrawals or you have been cursed with a dreaded case of Lycanthrope. In other words, you’re a werewolf.

Aside from always needing a new wardrobe with every changing lunar cycle you’re now forced to eat every meal you take as a human with plastic cutlery. But look on the bright side (“bright” side, get it? Moonlight. “Bright”) you’ll never need to invest in a security system or guard dog again.

And should this abominal condition be bestowed to you in your teenage years you’ll have a much-improved shot at making your high school basketball team.

Get it? “Shot.

Basketball team?

Whatever, just forget it.

The Incredible Hulk

Marvel Comics’ legendary Stan Lee created the Big Green Guy as a response to fears about the proliferation of nuclear technology and its effects on mankind.

Director Ang Lee later adapted the cornerstone comic book story to illustrate that a screwed-up childhood can ruin a person long before split atoms ever get a chance.

Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde

It’s common knowledge (yes, it is) that beneath the quiet and logical exterior of learned scientists  there rests a brooding neaderthal wanting nothing more than to bag some broads and bash some skulls.

19th century author Robert Louis Stevenson provided the first successful literary incarnation of this popular trope with The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll * Mr. Hyde. A one-time high school English staple (which for all I know it may still be but my girlfriend never tells me what she reads for her classes ever since she sent me that restraining order) Dr. Jekyll is a timeless tale about one man’s struggle to conqeour his own personal rage.

Of course now we all know the idea of chemical substances transforming a mild-mannered individual into a monstrous behemoth is pure fantasy.

Brainscan

During the third golden age of video games, violent titles such as Mortal Kombat caused an uproar with concerned parents’ groups and Puritanical wannabes. Parents worried that their innocent offspring would morph into cold-blooded killers if exposed to repeated violent images.

Not say, if they were left alone to cope with the heartbreaking years of adolescents in depressed solitude while Dad stared drunk at the television while he fell asleep and Mom ate Vicodin omelets for breakfast.

The 1994 film Brainscan provided a role for this fear along with the last relevant starring vehicle for actor Edward Furlong.

Gremlins (1 & 2)

Question: If you happened upon a mysterious alien creature that contained instructions about how not to handle it (i.e. don’t get it wet, don’t feed after midnight) wouldn’t you be pretty fastidious in adherence to those rules?

You know, seeing as how it’s a completely alien life form and all?

What’s that you say? What’s the worse could possibly go wrong with a little fella as cute as Gizmo?

Well, congratulations!

Congratulations on what you ask?

On getting your jugular vein ripped from your throat, that’s what.

“Real” Americans

Though normally content to watch football, cook hamburgers and accept more work for less pay “Real” Americans stand at the ready to protest and rail against anything and everything that wasn’t approved without their expressed written consent.

Which I assume is a tactic learned from the NFL.

And while time (not to mention elementary reasoning) typically has a way of cooling the apple-pie steam spewing forth from “Real” Americans, existential dangers such as affordable health care, equal protection under the legal system and black presidents are a surefire way to bring out the rabid beast that prowls in the shadow of Old Glory.

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Tiger….Beat.

February 20, 2010

And so it came to pass that another temple of personality shattered into bits of red, green and blue; dispersing into digital dust; back into the ether of ego from whence it came.

Sincerity was mustered, honesty manufactured and the requisite accountability printed in pamphlet form to be distributed into eager hands not already preoccupied with their gavels and microscopes.

Tiger Woods, prodigious golfing phenom, icon of American post-racial identity and the world’s first billion-dollar athlete gathered a coterie of carefully selected friends, family, and financial backers to interrupt nearly all cable and broadcast networks to tell us all he was really, really sorry for not having told us about his transgressions sooner.

And he would never be telling us anything about them ever again.

Oh, and that his wife had nothing to do with the protruding nine-iron found in his SUV’s back window on Thanksgiving Day.

I’m no golfer but I was not aware shards of auto-glass were the proper containment material for state-of-the-art golfing equipment.

I do feel that a thank-you to Mr. Woods is in order, but not for the sake of “the children” or some abstract  restoration of family values. No, I thank Mr. Woods for finally satiating (at least for the next 24 hours) the rabid hypocrisy rained down upon anyone unfortunate enough to have been watching any news or sports program the last three months.

The announcers, commentators and fellow sportspeople; all in their own way chasing the elusive prizes offered by extreme wealth and fame. Exclusivity, idolation, and (as offered by Mr. Woods himself) the entitlement.

Most people–whether by lack of ambition, talent, or both–never aspire to anything approaching the greatness Woods’ athletic ability granted  him. Sonic Youth bassist and lyricist Kim Gordon once said of her band and live performers, “People pay to watch other people believe in themselves. That’s where I think the excitement comes from.”

And for the better part of a decade and a half the world watched anxiously ( and paid handsomely) to watch Tiger believe in himself. Believe that he was the next mountain peak in a centuries’ old game. To believe that his personal identity and ability transcended his skin color. To believe his raw physical disposition and unbridled dedication could make for himself a unique place in our culture.

As he believed so he performed. And as he performed so we believed.

A man who offered with every win  he was more than those challenged him. With our blessings of T.V. ratings, merchandise purchases and public adulation we told him with every victory cheered, “Yes, you are better than the rest. You are special. You have earned this. You are entitled.

In short, we invited the tiger to grab his own tail clasped hand in hand with our own pathetic grasp trembling from all our dreams deferred.

But what good is a time-bomb that never explodes? A gun that does not fire? Or a wild beast caged?

About as good as an electrician in Amish country.

This is not to say society is to blame for Tiger’s infidelities. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to send illicit text messages and traipse from tryst to tryst. What we are to blame for however is yet again exalting a mere human being into a regard beyond the realm of normalcy and then sitting back in a state of forged outrage while that person acts out the very superior position where we have placed them.

But enough is now enough. Another hero has fallen. Let us begin to reconstruct the crown for another.

Holding it just so close that we may strangle the villain they must surely become.

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